I wrote this poem 9/20/08. Just wanted to share… and remember.

I understand better now.
The shock, the storm, the fall, the pain.
I understand better now.
The heart so broken, but broken for a plan
A plan I didn’t know
A plan I didn’t want
A plan I ran from
A plan I didn’t understand
But I understand now.
You said I was precious
That You had plans for me
I said My soul cries out to You
I said Don’t let my suffering be in vain
You said I know the plans I have for you
They said There’s a purpose that you cannot see right now
I said It was all a waste of my time, of my life, of my love,
Of my heart
You said I know the plans I have for you
I said What now
You said I know the plans I have for you
You said
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jer. 29:11 MSG)

And now I understand completely.

I watch American Idol. This is a fact that embarrasses me, but I’m committed to honesty, regardless of the level of personal shame involved. Still, I enjoy singing along with the contestants, and occasionally performing a song of my own in the privacy of my home.

On Tuesday, Mariah Carey was the guest mentor on the show, and she told David Cook, the (now) favorite to win the competition, “Live in the moment.” I don’t know why, but I have been unable to get this statement out of my mind. I have stumbled over living in a future yet to be experienced, and I have mastered living in a past wrought with joys and pains, triumphs and defeats, but I’m not sure I know how to live in the moment.

Life is full of worries and uncertainties. Lately, even much of what I thought I knew was true has turned out to be anything but. It seems that living in the moment would be the preferred mindset for me, if only I could figure out the moment.

There are moments that I wish that I could hold on to with both hands, like the first time precious Matthew tried to call me Auntie and it sounded like Hottie, and when he reached for me to comfort him in the “church” nursery, and when my cousin Trinity wrapped her 14 hour old hand around my little finger trusting me to care for her, and when I watched my parents walk into their 40th wedding anniversary party holding hands as they received a standing ovation from their 250+ guests, and when I stood at the Golan Heights in Israel with 2 pastors I (once) respected and trusted, knowing that my God had shown me the power of prayer, discernment and reconciliation by a peaceful brook in the mountains. Those are moments I have lived in and understood during those moments the intensity of those moments. I drank in those moments, was filled by those moments, was changed by those moments.

I believe that there are more moments that will move me like those moments of the past. There are moments that I have tried to just live in recently, but my head and my heart get involved, and then those moments become wishes and hopes, and then, too often, little disappointments caused by my inability to just experience the moment for what it was, for what it is — a space in time separate but relative to another space in time whose value need not be defined by me or anyone else.

So, I’m going to (in the future) try to live in the moments as they happen, trusting that I can.

Well, the good news is Bobby Brown isn’t going back to jail… at least I think that’s good news. According to the AP, Brown will not face charges stemming from the recent discovery of some cocaine in his possession. I’m sure it wasn’t his ::big big exaggerated wink::

And really, who wants to see another picture of this fallen hip hopper clearly going through withdrawal as he enters jail again? Instead the courts have recommended that, as penance for his crime — criminal possession of a controlled substance — he should volunteer to mentor young people. This punishment for Bobby seems, um, ill-advised, but perhaps I need to look a little deeper at the definition of mentor.

According to dictionary.com, a mentor is defined as “a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.” Wise and trusted? Wise and trusted?! Bobby Brown, bless his every little step you take heart, is many things, but wise and trusted? Can we really consider a man who is repeatedly found with illegal drugs wise? Trusted, maybe, but wise?

This sort of celebrity-favored discipline is perplexing. The notion that young children would be offered a mentor who is currently, not recovering, but currently abusing drugs, is disturbing.

Remember when the children were our future?