I detoured from my normal route to work to stop for a decaf jolt and a relatively harmless carb start to my day… don’t judge me. As I was making a left turn at the intersection, a commercial truck casually ran the  red light and cut me off in the middle of the intersection. I reluctantly pressed on my car’s horn … the horn is supposed to be a warning tool, not notification of disgust… , and was rather annoyed that the rogue driver appeared oblivious to both his error and my annoyance… don’t you hate when folks don’t care when they annoy you??

I followed him… okay, we happened to be heading in the same direction… and I wondered what would make him risk his life and mine like that.  I wondered if it was possible that he didn’t realize that the red light for the cars beside him was also meant for his vehicle. I scanned his vehicle for a “How’s my driving” number so that I could call and let someone know that this man’s driving was, in fact, careless and dangerous. Meanwhile, he continued driving like he hadn’t a care in the world. Was that possible, really, that he actually could appear not have a care at all in his mind about his blatant lawbreaking and Reese-annoying behavior? Well, he had no care, or at least not one I could figure out from all the way back in my lil’ honda hot rod. I, however, had way too much care, and that is the problem.

I have spent ungodly amounts of time wondering why people do crappy, silly, dangerous, hurtful and/or annoying  things. Seriously, my mind analyzes things to their most minute detail, and despite my best and terribly time-consuming efforts, nothing that I discover ends up making a bit of difference in the long run. Not much if anything changes, and I eventually figure out ways to acknowledge and move on. I would simply prefer that the moving on part come a bit faster than it has in the past.

I don’t know if I was the kind of child that constantly asked why, but I do know that I am wired to dig until I find a solution or resolution. In fact, that’s what I get paid to do — look at a situation or problem and analyze what’s going on, why it’s going on, and what to do to change it.  And the truth of the matter is that I’m good it. I’m good at figuring out the issues at the office and I’m good at figuring out things with people… of course, I’m much better and quicker at the office.  The key, really, is to look at each situation on its own, each person as an individual, and not rely solely, though certainly in part,  on the similarities of prior experiences with situations and people.  It’s also important not to inject my own beliefs on a situation when presented with conflicting facts, but instead to try to see things through the eyes of the other person no matter how challenging that might be.

Last week I had the opportunity to ask one of the Jonestown Revisited followers why she treated me in a brilliantly cruel manner after (what I thought) a very tight friendship had been cultivated. Sadly, my mind cannot seem to fully understand how things can change without any warning in such a drastic fashion with people who at one point claimed to value my presence in their lives and reaped more than a few benefits in the process.  It has never been acceptable for me to believe that a change has happened. Instead, my mind tells me the truth — that the other person was lying and using me from the start.  She told me, nay, texted me that she knew there was a problem but she didn’t care enough about the friendship to address it.  That may sound a little harsh, it certainly read harsh, but believe it or not, that’s exactly what I thought was the case. It’s not what I thought she’d say, nay text… whatever, but with the words finally out there, a couple of tears shed, a quick trip to the mall, and a heart to heart with my sweetheart, I can close the door on that situation completely.  It’s not lost on me, though, that I learned nothing new by asking the question 8 months later.

I asked my love when this sort of hurtful madness would stop happening to me, and he said “When you stop asking why.” Folks tend not to ask me why, likely because they know I’ll tell them the honest to God truth, have mercy. I think the answer can be helpful, cathartic even, but sometimes people don’t want to hear that. People want what I wanted from the former and not so lovely KW. They want something deeper, more intense, more sinister, more thoughtful, more… whatever! I recently tried to answer someone’s why question… harumph, and what was a simple though silly answer was interpreted as something so far from the truth that I’m convinced answering the why was the worst thing I could have done.  It made nothing better, believe me, and now, well, it is what it is.

The truth is, most of the time we already know the answer to the why question. Why are people cruel… because they can be. Why are people funny… because they can be. Why do people lie… because they can. Why do people cheat… because they can. Why do friendships die… because they can. Why do people make the decisions they make… because they can. Why do people ignore the words… because they can. Why do things get so far out of whack… because they can. Why do people risk a good thing… because they can. Why do people run red lights… because they can.

Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  I absolutely agree with that, and would add that you can’ t determine what other people will do or how they will act or react. I have seen a host of bad results, silly choices, sad endings, and as hard as it is to accept, the only one whose actions I can control are my own. The rest is up to absolutely not me.

Spring is the time for growing new things, new ideas. I’m still on the quest to becoming the best Reese I can be, the Reese I’m meant to be, and today I’m remembering to trust my instincts and to make the changes necessary to maintain peace and order to my life. I’m probably going to keep asking why… for some things, though far less frequently than I have in the past. But for most things, I am (finally!!!) content with what my heart has already told me. Why? Because I trust me, after all.